I am afraid of Godly sorrow.

So I'm going to forego the traditional style of the Rekindling blog this week, an intellectually-focused breakdown of a Biblical truth, and just write from my heart.

I've really been struggling lately with sin.  When I look at the acts of the flesh in Galatians 5, some of them I can honestly say I simply don't struggle with, because God wired me in such a way that they don't trigger in me.  Others on the list, I've struggled with in the past, but by the grace of God, by making myself "walk in the Spirit", I have been able to have victory over them.  But there are still others on that list that for the life of me control me.  I regularly, even consciously, partake in them.  And I am so frustrated by this.  Why can't I have victory over these in my life??

It helps me to understand Romans 7 and Galatians 5 better.  To have victory over sin, it is because of two things: the atoning work of Christ on Calvary and walking in the Spirit.  I know this, and yet I still sin.  What am I missing?

Well, I had an excellent conversation yesterday, one of those that makes your lips tremble, your heart beat and your eyes well with tears.  It was with one of my accountability partners, Derrick; a gentle, quiet man of God.  He let me just vent a bit (at my own ineptitude more than anything) and then he spoke some wisdom into me.  He led me to Luke 7:36-50, highlighting the point about "he who is forgiven little, loves little".  We began to talk about how with forgiveness comes much grace, and it is that grace that will give me victory over my sins.  So tracing backwards: I still sin, which means I haven't received enough grace, which means I haven't been forgiven of some sins, which means I haven't really asked forgiveness of them or repented.

"But I have repented and asked forgiveness!" was my response.  And even as I said it, it hit me- the words may have come out of my mouth, but not my heart.  I knew that while I vocalized forgiveness, I had already before that justified my sins.  They weren't as big as other sins, and they weren't as frequent as the sins of some others.  I had found myself actually thinking, 'I work hard to serve God, and I don't sin in most of the areas of my life, so let me have this one little pet sin'.  Can you believe it?  Even as I thought it, I knew it was wrong, but I continued in thinking it and justifying myself nonetheless.

So I was doing four things wrong:  1) justifying my sin as only quasi-bad, 2) thinking I could defeat them any time I wanted (and deep down not really wanting to), 3) forgetting that our job is not to 'stop doing X', but rather to 'replace X with Y'.  [I think this is a huge one for the church today; we keep saying 'stop sinning' but we don't encourage each other with replacing those sins with Godly things. I'm not supposed to stop gossiping, for example.  I am supposed to replace gossip with encouragement and praise.  If my mouth is busy building others up and declaring what God has done for me, I won't be able to talk bad about others.]  And 4) being burdened with my sin, shame and guilt.  It was wearing me down and bowing my head in despair.

So Derrick helped me see that I needed to do four things:  1) simply accept the utter wickedness of my sin for what it was; no sugar coating it, 2) accept that only God can give me victory over sin, both in the desire to want to stop it and the ability to actually do so, 3) learn what my Y's were, to start doing them so that I was too busy for X [I figured out what they were: exercising and literally getting on my knees to pray each day], and 4) truly and completely giving my sins (and the shame and guilt that went with it) to Christ for Him to take with Him on the Cross.

If I did these things, I would receive two things:  freedom (recognizing sin has no power over me) and humility (recognizing my weakness and wickedness and God's strength and goodness).  And because God gives grace to the humble, I would then finally have victory over my sins.

So earlier today, I cleared my schedule, postponing some 'important' things for later in the week.  And I sat down with God, for about three hours, and tried to hash through all this.  I knew that 1) and 4) were going to be the tough ones.  I did some word searches on repentance in the Bible, and then began reading the verses and letting them sink in, to see what God was trying to teach me.  A handful of passages resonated with me, and I copied them down, and meditated on them.  Isaiah 30:15, Jeremiah 8:5-7, Isaiah 47:10-11, Acts 8:21-23, Romans 2:4, Revelation 2:4-5, Revelation 3:17-22, 2 Corinthians 7:9-11 (this was the big one), Jeremiah 31:18-20 (especially v19), Romans 7:21-24, 1 Kings 8:46-54 (especially verses 47 and 54), Jeremiah 15:19-21, Hosea 14:1-4, Job 42:6 (another big one) and Luke 15:7.  As I prayed through them, a picture began to emerge.  I wrote down the following:

In repose and reliance is victory received. I have been relying on my own sin, my heart is not straight before God.  Because of this I am pitiable and miserable, crouching in fog, unprotected, attacked and captured by Sin.  I need to turn back to God, in repose and reliance, as my source of Salvation, asking Him to put His Sorrow on me, letting Him bring me to anxiety, distress and grief.  For it is His Sorrow, this place of me being in grief, that will fully accomplish and bring about the exceeding fear, indignation and zealous desire to diligently find purity.  For by bending my heart, breathing heavily in sorrow, God will bring me back to His Presence, which is an irrevocable place of refuge and freedom from all sin.  Pale and wounded from my own wickedness, full of disdain for my crouching in the fog, spurning that, I will bend and implore Him to save me.  And He will smile broadly and gladly, passionately, do just that!

I then rewrote it, trying to figure out the order of all this:

I have been relying on my own sin.

I am pitiable and miserable, crouching in fog, unprotected, attacked and captured by Sin.

I need to find disdain in myself, spurning my plans.

I need to find repose, and reassuringly recollect that only Christ will save me from this Sin.

I must beg Him to set His Sorrow upon me, which will create in me anxiety, distress and grief (at my wretchedness).

This will wound me, make me pale, and my heart will be bended and I will breathe sorrowfully.

I will desperately implore the LORD to forgive and save me.

He will passionately place in me exceeding fear, indignation and zealous desire to find purity!

He will empower me with Godly vigor and wisdom!

He will take me to His secure, irrevocable refuge, and I will find victory over Sin in Him!

And we will smile and rejoice together!

I studied what I had written, and I saw that I did not want to find disdain in myself and relief in God, nor did I want to implore Him to save me and give me the desire for purity (the italicized parts).  And this was because I was deathly afraid of the part about receiving His Sorrow (the bolded part in the middle).  I realized that I was choosing the instant relief of sin (and the shame that came with that) over Godly sorrow (and the irrevocable victory that comes with it).  And that made no sense why I would do that.  I concluded that the Godly sorrow of repentance would cut deeper and be more painful than the shame of a 'justified' sin, which would be only mildly uncomfortable.  I realized that I was really fearing this Godly sorrow that must come before true repentance and victory.  What was going on here?  I then began a dialogue with myself, just typing out the questions and comments that arose within my heart.  And this conversation began to take a life of its own.  I am so hesitant right now to share this, but I feel God wants to use it to encourage someone, so here it is, in its raw form:

Man, Shannon, wake up.  You gotta do this; push through the confession and turn around.

But that's me giving up more control of my life and my decisions.  I don't want to admit I'm wrong. 

It's not that I don't want stop sinning; gosh, I hate it.  So it's not that I don't want God to make me stop doing it. I agree with Him on that!  I know that once I find true victory and refuge, I won't be triggered and won't go there, and that's a good thing.  I want victory and refuge!

I just don't want to admit that I'm a failure, weak, wrong, sinful, uncontrolled.

By why? Is that really the issue?

I'm afraid to feel that painful grief.

Why?

I don't want to have to look at myself as I truly am.

Ah, there we go.  You think you have to look at yourself as a sinful wretch, ugly and nasty.

Yeah.

But you aren't that!  Because of Christ's Loving Atonement and your sincere faith, you are now righteous and beautiful.  You are a glowing, shining star, untainted (only because of Christ mind you!), and you are crouching in this fog. 

So where does the painful grief come, if not from my ugliness and state of damned hope?

At first glance, I don't want to be ashamed or humiliated.  I don't want to despise myself for the disgrace that I am.

But I realize that's not it.  For if I truly am disgraceful, then I'll readily admit it.

And so it is this:  I don't want to have to come to grips with the fact that I have acted wickedly and violated God, by my sinning.  I am trying to convince myself that sin is not that big of deal.  Because I don't want to even think about the fact that I have violated God my Creator, Sustainer, Savior and wonderful, beautiful Master.

Why be so scared of violating Him?

He doesn't deserve it. He's too good for that.  I don't want to hurt Him.

But ignoring it won't make it untrue?

Am I afraid of the punishment?

You know you won't be punished. Though you definitely deserve death for violating God, Christ took that death and punishment for you already.

So why am I putting my head in the sand and trying to ignore that I am violating God?  I know I'm not going to be punished.  And I'm willing to accept the consequences for I know He will be with me to sustain me.

I guess it's because I can't bear to stand the thought of violating God.

Well, I think that's exactly what you need to do. I think that is what the suffering part is: seeing how you have violated God.  It will be painful, but it is forgiven, and it will bring about reconciliation.  You need to understand what you've done.

So how does this work?  I just go to God in prayer, and let Him show me how I've violated Him?  And then, moved to sorrow and grief, I ask forgiveness.  And then I receive it, along with a place of refuge and power.  And then victory?

Yes.

What is it going to look like?  I'm so afraid right now.

Yes, but I will be with you.  I am going to hold your hand as you are seeing these things.  Keep your eyes open, understand your sinfulness to its depth, and also hold tightly to Me, for I love you. You must experience both.

Ok. I want to do this.  Is this a one time thing?

No.  You will have to do this repeatedly.  It will get easier moving into the process, but the event itself (watching, understanding) will always be painful.  But the sweet joy that comes on the other side will take your breath away.

This brings up something else.  I doubt this whole meditation thing. I think I'm deluding myself, trying to be extra-spiritual or creating some sort of cartoon/fictional reality.  Like I'm sugar coating things.

When you've done it in the past, has it been real.

Yes.

So why do you still doubt?

Satan is trying to deceive me?

Yes, in part.

I'm simply not practicing it enough?

…

Trust in Me.  Allow yourself to use this meditation.  If you are sincere in what you're wanting to accomplish (and I know that you are), I will use it for My glory.

I need to meditate more on that, don't I?

Yes.  Now, go do it. And Shannon, I love you.

I'm feeling like You don't, or that this is all hollow.

That's doubt.  Ignore it.  Come to Me. I want to walk with you through this.

Ok. Let's do it.

As I read back through this dialogue, I began to feel peace, peace before a storm.  I then headed to the gym, where I got on the treadmill, and with my eyes closed, did a brisk walk for about 45 minutes.  During that time, I simply prayed. And not the me-talking kind of prayer, but the me-listening kind of prayer.  And Christ began to show me a little of what God feels when I violate Him by sinning.  He reminded me of a couple of times in my past when I had really hurt and betrayed a loved one, and when I had been betrayed and hurt by others.  He showed me that this is a little of what God feels when I sin.  Each time I choose to sin, I am breaking God's heart, bringing Him pain and grief and loss.  Gosh, I don't want to do that!  And so Christ explained that when I am being tempted to sin (whatever that sin is, no matter how 'big' or 'small') I have to remind myself that I am about to break the heart of and grieve my beautiful, awesome Master.  I replied that the problem is, I will forget to do that as the temptation approaches.  And God explained that is what sanctification is all about. I need to consistently pray every day, keeping God on my mind, so that when temptation does rear its ugly head, I will have formed a habit of remembering what my sin will cause.  And that Sorrow will bring about humility, which will bring about grace, which will bring about victory over the temptation.

I still do not completely understand all this, but what I've been hearing so far makes sense.  I am coming to the conclusion that one of the reasons we try to deny our sins (whether we are Christian or not) is because deep down, we recognize that we are violating our Creator, and that appalls us.  And rather than admit such a terrible thing, we shift the blame, justify or change the subject; whatever we can do to not have to come to grips with what our sinful behavior does to a perfect, loving God, who does not deserve the grief we cause.  And so I am going to go with this, and give it a shot.  And I wanted to share that with you.  Both as an encouragement for dealing with the sin and shame in your own life as well as a prayer request for me:  pray that I daily spend time with God, so that I can be reminded of the Godly sorrow (not worldly sorrow) that comes with sin, giving me the grace and wisdom to resist temptation.

I hate the fact that for 25 years+ I have been violating God with specific sins in my life (longer than that when you count all my sin).  It makes me bow my head in humility and want to repent in dust and ashes (I now am beginning to understand the Biblical mentions of 'sackcloth and ashes'; it was an intense Godly sorrow leading to repentance).  I am taking Isaiah 30:15, 2 Corinthians 7:10-11, Jeremiah 31:19, 1 Kings 8:46-54, Job 42:6 and Luke 15:7 to heart.  I want to see victory over sin in my life!  And I want to see it in the lives of others!  How awesome will that be??  How much glory will God get for that??  To Him be all the praise!

shannon